It was when my daughter, Willow Claire Field, was born.

Labour began two days earlier- it was by induction and forceps-and was very, VERY hard.

So hard in fact my biggest fear now is not world famine or terrorism but falling pregnant again.

I love Willow but I've told Sam never, EVER again.

It all seems like bit of a blur now- there was lots of intervention and drugs involved- but I did take a notepad to the hospital.

Here's what I wrote two days earlier (when the horror began).

*******************

September 22. Day of the spring equinox.

Had bad cramps. Sam suggested we go to the hospital.

Bridget and Kim [our midwives] are rostered on.

Had blood pressure taken, it was high [150/100].

I'm now connected to the fetal heart monitor.

Gumnut is very excited. I've never felt her move around so much.

This is reassuring because she hasn't moved a lot these past few days.

Bridget did an internal to see whether I'd dilated at all. I was hoping I had.

I'm in the delivery suite, room 4. There's happy gas here. I had some. It was TERRIBLE!!! The gas took me to another place. It was an out-of-body experience.

It was like time stood still but I could hear myself breathing and I was breathing very hard. I don't know how people could take drugs such as heroin. All I had was gas and it made me feel out of control.

Being out of control is my biggest fear.

A lady doctor just came in and saw me. It's 10pm now. She asked me some questions such as, 'why did you come here tonight?'.

I said, 'because I'm having contractions and wanted to know whether I'd dilated'. What did she think I was doing here?!!!

She spoke to me like a kid and was making dumb jokes.

She was probably very nice and probably spoke in a very casual manner to make me feel more at ease.